When people first get married, they are usually deeply in love and extremely excited to be together. But sometimes, over time, that passion and excitement begins to fade. This has been particularly true after the pandemic, when many marriages went through great upheavals. What can a couple do to rekindle the love and excitement that they used to have when they were first together? In this interview series, called “Falling In Love Again With Your Spouse; 5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold,” we are talking to relationship professionals, therapists, psychologists, and coaches to share stories and insights from their experience. As a part of this series I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Guy Blaise.
Guy Blaise is an author and Frenchman living and working in America. Previously, he lived in eastern France and Paris, where he witnessed the dating experiences of the strong women in his family and listened closely to his grandmother’s advice about love. After two decades of living between France and the United States — and being struck by the differences between two cultures’ approaches to romance and sex — Guy began writing books offering his insights and started The French Perspective blog. His books include Love Like a Man: A Frenchman’s Guide to Help American Men Be Better Partners, Love Like the French: A Guide to Better Romance and Relationships; Vive la Difference: A Frenchman’s Perspective on American Women, Love, Respect, and Relationships; Negrophobia; and Dieu Aussi se Plaindrait aux Etats-Unis.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
Absolutely — Moving from France to the United States was a complete culture shock. What stood out the most to me though, was the glaring differences in relationships that were impossible to ignore. I can recall going on a date with an American woman who apologized for not wearing makeup, I didn’t know how to respond! This was such an odd experience for me since French women would never apologize for their appearance. I started writing down the differences in relationships that I both experienced and witnessed as a way to try to understand the differences in cultures and before I knew it, I had enough to fill a book.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?
I met a man who asked me to sign three copies of my book for his married daughters. He said, “I wish they had read you earlier in their lives.” This was a very touching moment for me as a writer who is passionate about his topic, it was incredibly humbling that my words resonated with him.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
My “mistake” was asking an American friend what he had planned for his wife’s birthday. His response was so shocking to me that I had to laugh. He complained that she wanted sex on her birthday. I am still, to this day, speechless. I didn’t know that for some people, sex is a chore.
You are a successful leader. Which three-character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Perseverance
Giving up is not an option. The moment we stop pursuing our dreams, our talent becomes useless.
Confidence
To be successful, we have to be confident in our abilities. If I allowed rejection or self-doubt to destroy my confidence, I would not be where I am now.
Dedication
I regularly go to the library to write because it is a quiet space without the distractions of home. I do not allow myself to become complacent. I set goals for myself and put in the work necessary to achieve them.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Yes, being a father of four spirited daughters who may become future girlfriends and wives, I am writing a book for them about dating and relationships from a father’s point of view. Other daughters as well as future and current fathers will be able to relate to this book on a vulnerable level that is rarely talked about candidly.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority about the topic of marriage?
As a writer and a scientist, I am naturally an observer. My thirst for knowledge and my never-ending curiosity about other’s perspectives has allowed me to complete three books on relationships and currently working on my fourth. I research topics extensively and gather many statistics before formulating my opinion. I am able to write not only from my own experiences but throughout my books, readers will be able to understand objectives, differences and possible solutions through culture, romance and relationships.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How to Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of marriages “going cold”?
One common cause of marriages going cold is due to partners not truly knowing each other before marriage. When two people start dating, they show the most beautiful aspects of their personality and hide the bad. Making long term commitments during this stage of euphoria can lead to disappointment. The clash appears the first years after marriage when the masks fall off. This is also a French reality. It is not an absolute truth, but it is, in general, what I observe nowadays.
In my experience with helping others in relationship difficulty, I most often hear “lack of communication” as the reason for the difficulty or wanting to end the relationship. I believe that lack of communication is really a symptom of the real root cause, which is “loss of connection.” What must be done to regain that connection?
Many people get married because they fell in love through sex. Sex is fantastic, but it is not the only way to communicate. You don’t fix relationship problems just by making love to them. Connecting with our partners goes beyond the physical.
We must be intentional with our communication in order to rekindle the connection. Men are often accused of not paying attention and not listening. This behavior can make our partners feel unappreciated and distant. Small gestures of appreciation and active listening on both sides, can help regain that connection.
Based on your experience, what is the foundation for a successful marriage?
My best friends in France and America are long term couples. I’ve observed that in a successful marriage partners treat each other like they are their best customers. They had a life project and a direction from the beginning of their relationship. They knew from the start where they wanted to be 10–15 years later, financially and career wise.
In a successful marriage, both partners feel validated as equals. Happy couples in France know that Valentine’s Day is 365 days a year and sex and intimacy does not start in the bedroom.
It has been said that “a healthy, happy marriage is the union of two generous forgivers”. Can you talk about why forgiveness is so important for a relationship to thrive?
Robins don’t fly with cardinals. I believe that two forgiving partners can overcome their differences without tearing each other apart with angry words. In forgiveness, there must be a level of respect and understanding. I don’t believe in love. I believe in proof of love. Forgiveness in a couple is a great sign of love and strength.
Based on your experience, why do you think couples struggle to forgive and be forgiven?
Forgiveness can be difficult if the person asking for forgiveness is insincere in their apology. Perhaps the act of needing forgiveness has happened multiple times and the boundaries of trust have been shaken. Forgiveness is easier to extend when the apology is genuine and heartfelt.
Is it important for marriage partners to inspire each other to be the best version of themselves that they can be? Can you please explain what you mean?
Sharing a bed with a spouse does not mean sharing the same dream. While I do not believe that we should rely on others to be the best version of ourselves, it is important to surround ourselves with positive people. Our partners should be supportive and encouraging. Negativity is a dream-killer. Ultimately, it is up to you, and only you, to become the best version of yourself.
What is the difference between marriage partners being “a team” and not just “a couple”?
Not all couples work together. There are certainly situations where one spouse may make all the decisions and manage all the finances. However, when partners work as a team, there is a balance of give and take, a mutual understanding of responsibility between the two halves of the relationship. A team is exactly that, people who work together for the mutual success of the desired outcome.
Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. Can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold?” Can you please give a story or example for each?
- Couples fall into a rut. Ask your spouse to name five things they miss that you don’t do anymore. Rediscover your passion.
- Spice up your bedroom by redecorating once in a while. Choose a new paint color together. Rearrange the furniture. Buy new sheets. Add some mood lighting. Plan an overnight trip somewhere new.
- Limit TV/cellphone time in the bedroom and communicate more.
- Sex is important. A sexual revolution is happening. The bedroom is no longer a place where a wife’s pleasure should be ignored. Partners must find each other’s sexual Blackbox to wake up the dormant volcano.
- Personal hygiene is important. It is nice when partners make mutual efforts to turn each other on.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
I’m an avid reader and avid podcast listener — I don’t believe you can ever stop learning.
One podcast I listen to is called “Dear Men” and I highly suggest episode 243: “Why are European women more likely to speak up about sex?”
Books: If I can’t recommend my own book, Love Like The French: A Guide to Better Romance and Relationships, then I would definitely go with Make Him Yours by Mark Rosenfeld — it’s both insightful and well written.
Website: thefrenchperspective.com
Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
There are many movements I’d like to inspire but I think one that stands out is breaking the barrier of sexual taboos in America. I would love to see Americans become more open with their sexuality. In particular, I want to see American women become more demanding and confident about what they want in the bedroom.
We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
That would have to be Esther Perel, the Belgian-American psychotherapist. I am a big fan of her work and we could speak French together during our meal.
Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!
